September 2, 2015

i obviously pushed the publish button if you're reading this, which is kind of scary, because this is a super personal post. i'm not really the type to broadcast this type of stuff, but whatever, here goes. 17 confessions you probably didn't know about me! i may regret this in the morning...

i always make things appear to be fine, even if they're not. and not even in the i'm-trying-to-make-my-life-seem-perfect-and-i-have-no-problems kind of way. it's more like i-don't-want-to-be-a-debbie-downer-and-make-you-feel-bad-for-me way. and i don't even do it on purpose. it's just the way i naturally react. i just hate making people feel uncomfortable with my problems, so i don't talk about them. and i hate bringing people down with a bad mood or attitude, so i don't show it.
i'm not good at talking about problems.
i don't like confrontations.
i don't like fighting.
i literally laugh everything off. well, 98% of things.
i hate small talk.
i hate asking for help. 
i don't like awkward situations, so i avoid them like the plague. just last year, i had the most persistent visiting teachers on planet earth. and i'll just put it out there—i don't enjoy visiting teaching, even though i know there's a reason for it. i just find it to be awkward on both ends. anyway, long story short, my visiting teachers (who by the way were very very nice girls) were constantly trying to get a hold of me and it got to the point where i hadn't responded so many times that i'd reached the point of no return. if i text back they'd know they have the right number and that i've gotten all their texts. to me, that's awkward. and maybe i'm weird. but then if i still didn't respond and they came over unannounced and happened to catch me, well, that's even more awkward. sadly, the latter happened. you better believe they caught me at home one night. just as beej was walking out to go to campus, they were walking up to the door. beej yells to me, "hey jewelz! your visiting teachers are here." and i'm thinking "shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiizzzzz" but of course i'm like, "uh huh yeah be right there!" we made small talk and i just felt awkward the entire time because i knew they knew i'd been dodging them. it was just awkward talk. and it was even more awkward because we talked standing up in my kitchen. (our apartment was tiny and we didn't have a couch, let alone a living room to put a couch if we had one.) but they were doing their calling, so kudos to them. and someone is probably reading this thinking, "you just made a normal situation awkward. you're weird." and maybe i did.

sometimes i wonder if my husband and i are doing everything we should be doing right now. like when should we start having kids? we want lots (maybe i should say i here instead of we ;)), but is now the right time? i don't think so. but i'm 25 and i feel old. and in mormon eyes, that is old. so maybe we should start? i don't know. and are we spending our money wisely? are we saving enough? when should we move out of state? when can we have school paid off? should i get my masters? nah. when should we buy a house? i see girls younger than me building brand new homes with their husbands and i think, what the hell? how? like liiiiiiterally how are you doing that? are you in debt? did your parents pay for it? are you picking off dollar bills from your backyard tree right now? and not even that i care, but it makes me curious. however, i've been on this kick the last couple years where i've just decided to stop caring what other people are doing. and it's been working out pretty good. except sometimes thoughts like that occasionally creep in from time to time.

i know the most important things in life are god, family, love, relationships, and service.

sometimes i get really emotional when i'm still awake and bj is sleeping. it usually happens when it's really late at night and it's super quiet and i'm laying on his chest, listening to him breathe in and out, and hearing his heartbeat thump against my ear. yeah, watching and listening to my husband sleep makes me emotional. who am i?

i think there's way too much pressure on kids when it comes to getting asked to high school dances, and also who you get asked by. in high school, i didn't get asked to my junior prom or my senior homecoming. and that was a big deal at my high school. ew i can't believe i just typed that. i'll probably read that in the morning and be like why did i share that! but there you have it. it totally made me feel like a la-la-loser at the time. and especially as a girl, it felt super crappy. but i pretended to be unaffected by it and not to care, when secretly i was sad. and i've never admitted that. i hung out with the "popular" (i hate that word) kids, but i wasn't the MOST popular kid. that sounded really stupid, because all of that couldn't matter less now. 

i tried out for 9th grade cheer because all of my friends were doing it. only god knows why i thought that was a good idea. i was completely uncoordinated and tried to learn a backhand spring in a matter of months, with no prior tumbling experience or flexible capabilities whatsoever. when we went to the school to see the list of girls who made it, my name was definitely not on there. i mean, obviously. and i could tell my mom felt crushed for me. she always does this face when she feels sad for you. haha i was also crushed and embarrassed. again, i pretended it wasn't a big deal. but seriously, what was i thinking? haha

i felt a little different from other girls growing up because i had dark skin and i was tall, while all my friends were short, had blonde hair, blue eyes, were petite, had little noses, and were not "ethnic". but boys seemed to love my friends with blonde hair, so i thought blonde was where it's at. that was really dumb to think, because that couldn't be farther from the truth. not to say blondes aren't hot stuff anymore, but i learned that brunettes are, too! i was (still am haha) the oldest, so my house wasn't the party house like it is for my younger siblings now. (oh, the perks of being the oldest child!) my friends rarely came over because there were five children under the age of 13 and it was total chaos all the time. like screaming babies and little kids everywhere. not the most ideal teenager environment. ;)
no joke, i asked my mom if i could go to the tanning beds with my white friends and of course her response was like, "what in the world for?!" and at this time, i was playing tennis outside three hours a day, five days a week in arizona weather. i was already insanely tan. i did not need to pay to go to a tanning bed! like whatsoever. for the record, i am so beyond grateful for my culture and dark skin and dark hair and dark eyes now. i wouldn't trade it for anything.

once i yelled at my mom for doing my laundry and drying my jeans, when she was just trying to be nice. she cried. and i felt like crap. 

i worry about stupid stuff, like all the time.

i made really good, but also really bad friend choices in high school. (the good ones are still in my life today) i wish i would have cut ties with those bad friends sooner though. i did make the best friend choices once i got to college and i'm proud of that.

i dwell on bad decisions or stupid mistakes i've made in the past. i try not to, but sometimes i do.

in high school, me and a friend (who shall not be named!) stole stuff from a DI in california. i know, so so wrong. i'm embarrassed. and i've repented. 

sometimes i think, right now i should be doing what i absolutely love and am so passionate about. that's what everyone says, right? but then i think...how will i pay my bills in the meantime?

i can be a pushover and most the time i'm a people pleaser. i'm working on both.

sometimes i don't wash my hands after i go to the bathroom at home, but don't worry, i always always do in public restrooms. when i told my mom and sister this, they thought i was the most disgusting person ever. annnnnd maybe i am?

i think church is boring 88% of the time (there i said it!) even though i know it's a good thing to do, sometimes i have a hard time staying attentive and interested. so, to the heavens above, please don't strike me with a lightening bolt for sharing that on the world wide web for everyone to see. because i love god.

welp, there you have it—17 personal confessions! also, this post wasn't meant to rant about some bad experiences, but more to keep things real. i know i'm beyond blessed and i have more than anyone deserves. i am so thankful every day for my life and for my husband and my family and for everything that i've been given. amen!

No comments :

Post a Comment